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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The First Annual Chutney Awards - Stupidity and Politics at Its Finest

Well, in what I hope will become an annual tradition at Gakkery, I am giving out the 2011 Chutney Awards. These are for cases where politicians or other important figures or entities demonstrated what can best be described as the intelligence of a Bowl of Chutney. In other words, stoo-pid. Well, here goes. Want actual good news? Come back tomorrow and we'll talk about that stuuff. But for now, it's just stupid and dumb.

Every award winner receives an imaginary
jar of chutney. Or we can pretend to
give them one. That works too.
Most Creative Way to Ensure the Jury is Not Biased Against the Defendant: Our first Chutney Award goes to Schenectady, County, New York and Commissioner of Jurors Hope Splittgerber for summoning Derrick C. Smith to jury duty - in his own murder trial. According to Splittgerber, in her 28 years at the job, she has never seen someone summoned to jury duty in his own case. To Smith's credit, he did promise to be "fair and impartial" in determining his own guilt. He was excused anyway.

Can this tiny Sno-Kone
defeat a terrorist army?
Apparently it's worth
spending $11,700 of our
money to make sure it can.

Best Excuse for Sno Cones Award: A federally-funded homeland security agency in Michigan recently purchased 13 sno-cone machines as part of its program. The cost to taxpayers was $11,700. But it gets better. A spokesperson from the agency said "It is used to attract people so they can be educated and prepared for homeland security. More importantly, they [homeland security officials] felt in a medical emergency the machine was capable of making ice packs which could be used for medical purposes." So are they going to have Homeland Security Fun Fairs with free snow-cones while you learn your counter-terrorism facts? Frankly, that idea scares me. Or maybe if a terrorist comes, I'm supposed to blind him by smashing the sno-cone in his face. I really don't know. And in case of disaster, why in the world world would I want a cherry flavored ice pack to put on an injury? If that's your serious security plan, then you need to put more thought into it.

Be Careful What You Don't Wish For Award: Back when New York was debating whether to legalize gay marriage, New York Giants wide receiver and Super Bowl hero David Tyree warned that allowing same-sex couples to marry would "be the beginning of our country sliding towards ... anarchy".  Which has anarchists hoping he's right. I may not be an anarchist specifically, but as a libertarian, I wouldn't particularly mind it either.

My Second "Person of the Year" Award.
 I know You've won at least one. Even the
robots scanning this page for search
engines have. Extraterrestrials have my

Collective Humanism Award Award: Time magazine once again gave their "Person of the Year" Award to a collective group. The Protestor now becomes the 13th collective "person" to win the award, joining Sir American Fighting Man, Lieutenant Hungarian Freedom Fighter, Professor American Scientists, Mr. Baby Boomers, Madam Middle Americans, Ms. American Women, President The Peacemakers, Mr. Whistle Blowers III, Private The American Soldier, Mrs. Good Samaritans, and You. Other recipients include a machine and a planet. So if you're a protesting female cyborg Hungarian-American feminist whistle blower soldier, you will have won at least eight "Person of the Year". Even if You are a normal human being, You've won at least one. I personally qualify for two of them (You and Protestor). Can I put "two time recipient of Time Person of the Year" on my resume? Probably not. But You can try if You want.

Star-Mangled Blabbler Award: Christina Aguilera wins this one easily, for her rendition at the Super Bowl. But our first verse is pretty bad anyway.

And finally....

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Obama from
Sixteen-Hundred, PA, but I cannot
do as you are asking. Please hold

 Try Telling THIS to Pegg from USA Prime Credit Award: We all know about it. The debt ceiling. The increase. How America would be "unable" to pay off their massive debt if Congress did not raise the debt limit. Ridiculous. If I maxed out my Discover Card buying items I don't need, then called them and said that I needed them to raise my credit limit so I could buy a ton of items I don't need and a very small number that I probably do need, and that furthermore if they failed to listen that I would undergo financial ruin and be unable to pay them back, well, you get the idea.... So why can the government do it?

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