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Monday, December 31, 2012

Politicians Make their Super Bowl Picks (Satire)

Well, it’s that time of year again, when the politicians and their associates sit down at a roundtable and make their predictions for the NFL postseason. We did this last year with presidential candidates. If you missed that you can read it here. Below is a transcript of this year’s conversation. Moderating the discussion was PBS host Jim Loehr. Here’s what everyone had to say.
The politicians make their picks for
Super Bowl XLVII and the
Jim Loehr: Hello, and welcome to the Political SportsCenter. We’ve got a lot of guests in studio tonight, here to tell us what they think will happen in the NFL postseason. First, we turn to the President of the United States, Barack Obama.
Barack Obama: I love football. I was born in America and everyone who was born in America loves football. In fact, I was born in Hawaii, and I know that because they played the Pro Bowl there every year when I was growing up.
Jim Loehr: But they didn’t play the Pro Bowl in Hawaii until 1979.
Barack Obama: But that’s what the teleprompter says.
Jim Loehr: Well, would you like to make your prediction?
The Pro Bowl was not played in Hawaii
until 20 years after Obama was born
Barack Obama: I believe that the team that beats the team from the other conference will win the Super Bowl. Maybe that will be the Patriots, maybe it won’t. Maybe that will be the Texans, maybe it won’t. Maybe it will be the 49ers, maybe it won’t. Anything is possible in this country if we have hope and change!
Jim Loehr: We now turn to Speaker of the House John Boehner.
John Boehner: Because I, like all members of Congress, pander to my constituents, I will pick the Cincinnati Bengals. Oops, did I say that out loud?
Jim Loehr: Yes, you did.
John Boehner: Well, I was just joking.
Jim Loehr: That’s all right John, we believe you. But what is your serious prediction?
John Boehner: This nation is heading towards a fiscal cliff disaster, which is President Obama’s fault. It is also President Obama’s fault that al-Qaeda will win the Super Bowl.
Jim Loehr: And how exactly will Al-Qaeda win the Super Bowl?
John Boehner: Because President Obama let them. Also, President Obama wants to tax all NFL teams at 100 percent to prevent us from going over the fiscal cliff. I won’t allow that. The Republican Party won’t allow that.
President Obama: That’s not true. I only want to tax them as much as other rich companies. So, that’s a roughly 95 percent rate.
Ron Paul: I would tax NFL teams at a 0 percent rate.
According to John Boehner,
this terrorist will win
the Super Bowl, and it's
Obama's fault.
Jim Loehr: Nobody invited you to this program.
Jill Stein: Nobody invited me, either. But I’m showing up anyway. Now let me on the stage.
Jim Loehr: Guards, arrest the socialist. The libertarian nutcase can stay just so his supporters won’t show up protesting outside my office for the next four years. I can’t take that.  
Jill Stein: I’m not a – ow! I will not be silenced!
Jim Loehr: Now that we got rid of that gadfly, we will hear from another speaker. Next up is Ms. Mary Lou Barton from the Human Beings for a Politically Correct America.
Mary Lou Barton: First of all, it’s Mr. or Ms.  Mary Lou Barton. For all you know, I could be a man. But don’t call me Mrs. because a woman is not defined by her marriage or lack thereof.
Jim Loehr: I’m looking right at you. You’re not a man.
Mary Lou Barton: Well, I could be transgender and my real name could be Marty Lou Barton.
Jim Loehr: Are you?
Mary Lou Barton: No.
Jim Loehr: Then it’s ok.
Mary Lou Barton: No, it’s not.
Jim Loehr: Do you want to make your prediction, sir or ma’am?
Mary Lou Barton: Yes, I do. Thank you for using the proper, respectful, gender-neutral terminology. I think the Washington football club is the best team in the NFL. However, I refuse to pick them because their nickname is so politically incorrect that I cannot even repeat it in this company. Therefore, I will pick the San Francisco 49ers, because San Francisco is the global capital of political correctness.
Jim Loehr: Thank you, Mary. Or Marty, if that’s your real name instead. Next up is recently retired Texas Congressman Ron Paul, who we only let in so his supporters wouldn’t boycott us and our sponsors and show up protesting outside our offices until next postseason.
This is the second time Stein
was arrested for trying
to get into a debate when she
wasn't invited. Unlike this article,
the first arrest is no joke.
Ron Paul: Well, you know, the Constitution doesn’t grant Congress the authority to pick football games. I don’t see it anywhere in Article 1, Section 8 of the Constitution. So clearly it’s a power delegated to the states. I will therefore refuse to predict a winner, as I don’t have the Constitutional authority.
Jim Loehr: Makes me wonder why you even came here in the first place if your whole plan is to do nothing whatsoever. Kind of like you in the debates. Government should do nothing. Government should do nothing. Government should do nothing. Blah blah blah. Why do you run for office just to do nothing? Your entire career was a failure. You never made any new legislation.
Ron Paul: That’s why it was a success. And I still refuse to answer the question, because it’s for the states to decide. Let the Governor of Texas answer it for his state.
Jim Loehr: I still don’t get any of it. Maybe you’re too smart for America, Ron. Fortunately, we also have the Governor of Texas here. Please welcome Rick Perry!
Rick Perry: The three teams I think have the best chance to win are the Texans, the Patriots, and, ahh… uhh…. Oops.
Ron Paul: The Jets?
Rick Perry: Yeah, sure.
Jim Loehr: It’s not really the Jets, is it?
Rick Perry: Maybe, maybe not.
Jim Loehr: Well the Jets aren’t in the playoffs.
Rick Perry: So I guess that’s a not.
Jim Loehr: So who was the third team?
Rick Perry: I forget.
Jim Loehr: We’ll come back to you. For now, let’s turn to Herman Cain.
And another 9-9-9 plan from Herman Cain. Don't forget
this one when it's time to plan your Super Bowl party.
Especially if you want one of his mistresses as a prize.
Herman Cain: Funny you should mention the Jets, Ricky. Because it seems like the Jets have their own 9-9-9 plan that they’ve been using this year. 9 sacks, 9 turnovers, and 9 points! It’s 9-9-9.
Jim Loehr: And how has that worked out?
Herman Cain: Not as well as my 9-9-9 plan! And be sure to order pizza for your Super Bowl Party. I’ll deliver it myself. 30 lucky customers each get to bring one of my mistresses to their party to watch the Big Game!
Jim Loehr: Well, who will win?
Herman Cain:  The Patriots.
Jim Loehr: Thank you. Next up is –
Herman Cain: May I clarify my remarks?
Jim Loehr: Fine.
Herman Cain: The Patriots will win the AFC Championship game. They will lose to Green Bay in the Super Bowl.
Jim Loehr: So Green Bay will win the Super Bowl?
Herman Cain: Yes.
Jim Loehr: Next up is –
Herman Cain: May I clarify my remarks again?
Jim Loehr: Fine, what now?
Herman Cain: The Packers will beat the Patriots in February of 2014. This year, the Broncos will beat the Seahawks.
Jim Loehr: Would you like to clarify your remarks again?
Herman Cain: No, I’m good.
Jim Loehr: Next up is –
Herman Cain: May I clarify my remarks again?
Jim Loehr: No. Next up is former First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
Jim Loehr: So are you rooting for the Broncos, the Ravens, or the Colts?
Hillary Clinton: Yes.
Jim Loehr: Oh, never mind. Next up is former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.
Nancy Pelosi: Oh hello, it’s so nice to be here. You are taking my picture, right? And I need to smile for the camera?
Jim Loehr: No. The only record of this conversation will be a written transcript.
Nancy Pelosi: So why did I buy a $500,000 dress with taxpayer dollars? Oh no, did I say that out loud?
Jim Loehr: Yes.
Nancy Pelosi: Well, at least John Boehner said something out loud too.
John Boehner: But I was joking.
Nancy Pelosi: Fine, then I was too.
Jim Loehr: Your prediction, Ms. Pelosi?
Nancy Pelosi: If there are no cameras, I’m leaving. Good-bye.
Jim Loehr: What a character. Next up is Republican evil genius strategist Karl Rove.
Karl Rove: The New York Giants are a one-term Super Bowl Champion. We have achieved our goal!
Jim Loehr: That’s great, but who will win?
Karl Rove: We made the New York Giants a one-term Super Bowl champion!
Jim Loehr: “We”? You coach football too? You really are an evil genius.
Eli Manning is a one-term
Super Bowl MVP. Apparently,
Karl Rove is responsible. 
Karl Rove: No, we as in America. America made the New York Giants a one-term Super Bowl Champion. On last Sunday in December, America decided they had enough, and made the Giants a one-term Super Bowl champion.  Right choice, America.
Jim Loehr: That’s nice, but football isn’t a democracy.
Karl Rove: Not under President Obama, it isn’t.
Barack Obama: You can’t blame me for this one, Karl.
Karl Rove: So you admit I can blame you for everything else, including 9/11 because you’re a secret Kenyan, Muslim, atheist, terrorist, homosexual, communist, -
Jim Loehr: Enough, Karl! None of those things are true.
Karl Rove: Prove it. Show me your birth certificate, your church certificate, your God certificate, your terrorist fighter certificate, your heterosexuality certificate and your capitalist certificate and I’ll believe you.
Barack Obama: Most of things don’t even exist.
Karl Rove: Aha! So you admit you’re a –
Barack Obama: No, but those are imaginary certificates. Show me your copies of those certificates. You don’t have them either. Other than birth certificates, none of them exist anywhere for anyone.
Jim Loehr: Can we focus? Our next guest is former Vice President Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney: I will shoot the Falcons in the face to stop them from winning. Just like when I go hunting. Or in the Buffalo Wild Wings commercial.
Jim Loehr: I believe they got hit in the face with water from a sprinkler system in that commercial, not with bullets.
Dick Cheney: Same thing, really.
Jim Loehr: Remind me not to come anywhere near your lawn during the summer. Anyway, our final guest tonight is Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Mitt, what do you think?
Mitt Romney: Well, football is a very violent sport. They always drink Gatorade. I only drink milk. But I bet Rick Perry $10,000 that the New England Patriots will win the Super Bowl, and also that I never said otherwise in my book entitled “Why the Seahawks will win the Super Bowl”.
Jim Loehr: Rick, do you accept that bet?
Rick Perry: Yes, it will be the easiest $10,000 I’ve ever made. Also, I remembered the third team. It’s the … Oops, I forgot again.