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Monday, January 2, 2012

Presidential Candidates Make their Super Bowl Picks (Satire)

Well, in 2008, Super Bowl Sunday fell a mere two days before Super Tuesday. While there is nearly a month separating the two, one can't help but notice that as soon as the NFL regular season draws to a close, the Election Regular Season starts in Iowa. So, let's look at the following discussion we had with the seven Republicans and one Democrat who are running.

Obama: Calvin Johnson
has been an enormous stimulus
package for Detroit.
Barack Obama: Four years ago, the people of Detroit wanted more. Their football team was 0-16 and the city was in shambles. But then America wanted change. And we bailed out the city of Detroit. And with that, the Lions were bailed out too. The City of Detroit wants more change and they're going to get it!
Ron Paul: I hope you don't plan on calling Jim Schwartz to congratulate him if your prediction is correct.
Barack Obama: Why not?
Ron Paul: Well, where in the Constitution does it say you can?
Barack Obama: Where does it say I can't?
Ron Paul: The Tenth Amendment states that any powers not granted explicitly to the Federal Government are reserved to the states. So you'll just have to let Governor Snyder call.
Rick Perry: Well, the three teams I think have a chance are the Packers, the Ravens, and ... ahh.. um... oops?
Ron Paul: The Eagles?
Rick Perry: Uh... sure?
Moderator: Really? Because the Eagles aren't in the playoffs.
Rick Perry: No, it wasn't the Eagles.
Moderator: Mr. Romney?
Although Romney disagrees,
Santorm feels the Pats have no
chance without Randall Gay.
Mitt Romney: As an elected official by the State of Massachusetts, I feel compelled to carry out their will and predict the Patriots.
Rick Santorum: Well, I think that by passionately opposing abortion, Tim Tebow has won the favor of God, and as much as it pains my true Pittsburgh steel mill heart to say it, he will win the Super Bowl. And Mitt, the Patriots have no chance without their cornerback Randall Homosexual. Why do you think they lost in 2008?
If a woman were hypothetically raped by a quarterback on your favorite football team, should she be allowed to get an abortion?
Rick Santorum: No. Abortion is wrong in all cases. And nothing was ever proven with our quarterback.
Mitt Romney: No, it was consensual with all 39 of Brady's girlfriends. So it doesn't matter. Unlike Senator Santorum's QB, we don't have anything to prove.
Bachmann: Make Green Bay
a one-term champ.

Moderator: Let's get back on topic. Congresswoman Bachmann, your take?
Michele Bachmann: The Green Bay Packers will be a one-term Super Bowl Champion!
Moderator: And who will win?
Michele Bachmann: We will defeat the Green Bay Packers and make them a one-term Super Bowl Champion!
Moderator: We? You coach football?
Michele Bachmann: No! We as in America! America will make Green Bay a one-term Super Bowl Champion!
Moderator: Ok then... Speaker Gingrich?
Newt Gingrich: The Ravens are going to win the Super Bowl, defeating Atlanta 38-21. Absolutely.
Moderator: And finally, we turn to Jon Huntsman.
Jon Huntsman: I personally think the Falcons have the best shot.
Newt Gingrich: Are you crazy? It's going to be the 49ers over the Ravens. Atlanta isn't even getting past the Giants!
Ron Paul: Didn't you just say that the Ravens would beat Atlanta in the Super Bowl? Yet another example of hypocrisy and flip-flopping from Newt Gingrich. Is this really who you want leading the country?
And Gingrich flip-flops
Newt Gingrich: No. I never said that. You're putting words in my mouth and outrageously attacking me.

Ron Paul: We all heard you.
Michele Bachmann: Let's just make Green Bay a one-term Champion, OK? And then we can show the world how great America is!
Rick Perry: Aha! I remember the third team. The Saints!

*cut to shot of Gary Johnson*

Gary Johnson: Notice how during this entire debate, Jon Huntsman got only one line? And Ron Paul wasn't even allowed to make a prediction? Well, that's what the media has come to. Fixing elections like they should be able to pick the President. Well, this is why I'm running as a Libertarian. See you in May at the LP Convention. Vote Johnson 2012!

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